Willing to Help

You all know where my heart is, hopefully. But I don't need to talk about it here. It looks cheap.
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© 2011. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Forgive Them Not?

'How many times should I forgive my neighbours?' asked Peter of the Lord. 'Because every time I forgive them, they take it as an excuse to trespass against me some more. Is seven times enough?' The Lord answered, 'Not seven, but seven times seventy-seven times should you forgive your neighbour. That's five hundred and thirty-nine times, I think. That should be enough. After that you can damn them to Hell for all eternity.'
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Good Bye

I have a few things to say before I go. I'll try to keep it short. To doubters who ask why the resurrected Jesus only appeared to his disciples, maybe he didn't want to get crucified again. To those who think a loving God doesn't want us to suffer, loving has brought me my greatest suffering. To the shadowy group who killed the Kennedys and blew up the World Trade Centre, I can see why you might need to do those things: you're evil. But how could you let them steal all my songs? To all business people, I don't hate you. I only have a problem with the ones that ruined my life directly. To rich misers who think I'm making them unpopular, you have always been unpopular. Haven't you ever read A Christmas Carol? Haven't you ever seen It's A Wonderful Life? Haven't you ever watched The Simpsons? To anyone concerned about a nuclear war starting up, don't be. There are far more jobs in manufacturing conventional weapons. To people who think I shouldn't make waves, in a society as corrupt as ours, waves can only help. To people who hate me for being right, I'd rather be wrong. To people who want me to get a phone, I had one for years, but all I ever got were crank calls. To anyone climbing the stairway to fame and fortune, watch out for that last step. It's an elevator shaft filled with boiling oil. To folks who don't like my use of titles and honorifics, I'm just being polite when I say 'Your Majesty' or 'Your Excellency'. And I don't insist that anyone address me by my full title, Your Omnipotence. To would-be Facebook imposters, I have not used my Facebook account since June 2010 because I cannot remember my password and I am disconnected from my original email. To MySpace, the only online accounts I have are with Google and YouTube. To anyone who thinks I'm chasing stardom, I tell you, I only write my blogs and songs in self-defense. To anyone wondering about my sex life, don't worry. I have the most fantastic sex. It's fantastic because it all happens in my imagination. To people who eavesdrop on me when I grumble alone in my apartment or room, I often don't mean the things I say when I am possessed by the devil. If you think my insults are bad, you should hear them when my skin turns grey and I foam at the mouth, though you wouldn't understand them at such times because I say them in Latin. To the pastor who thinks I'm Satan, you have the wrong guy there. If I were Satan, I could play the fiddle at least as well as Charlie Daniels. To all those who thought a poet would not want to drive a forklift, what about one who writes poems about forklift driving? To the inventors of The Six Million Dollar Man, thanks a lot. If it wasn't for you making artificial limbs look so glamourous, I never would have consented to that knee surgery. To any women who feel bad for me that I'm still a virgin after all of this, thank you for your concern, but I'm sure I'll one day know how it feels to kiss a girl when she's only wearing a bathing suit. To my childhood priest: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been thirty years since my last confession and these are my sins. I forgot to tell you that when they gave me my hearing test in Grade Five, I lied on one of my answers. I should have said 'higher' instead of 'lower.' I did it for attention. And, also, I'm afraid that I coveted my neighbour's dog. It was a really nice German Shepherd. To the school system, what did some of you teachers have against me? Didn't I keep your faces in proportion in all those drawings that circulated around the classroom? To anyone setting up a writing contest, let me guess: the prize money is a small portion of what you receive for cashing in all the other submissions in your own name. And to teachers of courses on 'how to be a writer', if you taught your course honestly, your classroom would be vacant before the end of the first lesson. To the U.S. Federal Reserve: time to change the motto on your currency from In God We Trust to Don't Get Caught!. To the mother of the beautiful red-haired child from two years ago, why did you look at me with such horror when I told you that the gene for red hair gives her a higher tolerance for pain? I was just sharing what I read in the news. Ideas for the next few television seasons? Here's a horrible one, how about Vikings? Still haven't seen them produce anything with Vikings. Great comic potential there. Differences between the Vikings. You know, the British Vikings halt their burning and looting to go back to their longboat for a spot of tea, while the French Vikings...etc. And how about a sketch or cartoon about the Talent Thief: 'Larry, what happened to your jump shot?' 'I don't know, coach. There was a suspicious looking person in the hallway last night, just before I went to sleep...' How do you spot a talent thief? He's the only one playing the bagpipes with one hand, rolling a joint with the other, while figure skating on his head. To any fans who may have lost faith in me after I took down my first account, couldn't you tell from songs like Son, the World's a Shithole that I was also the author of Size? To Jesus, who said, 'Consider the ravens. They neither sow nor reap, they have no barn, yet God feeds them...', did you take a close look at what God feeds them, Lord? Puke and breadcrumbs. To the nice lady who felt sorry about my losing my king-size bed, grieve not. At least I have a king-size room. To the government, you cannot end unemployment by calling the Welfare Office The Ministry of Employment and Income Assistance any more than you can reform criminals by calling the prison system The Ministry of Corrections. The only job you create in both instances is for a bureaucrat with an active imagination. To manufacturers of plastic toy machine guns, why can't you make one that doesn't break when you use it to rifle-whip a stone gargoyle? And, while I'm at it, you could also take a few lessons in realism from the manufacturers of plastic explosives. To deep thinkers, you were never in heaven if it ends in hell. Good memories only add to one's hell. True heaven is for keeps. To people who mock how I say the word, question, I'm working on that: quesssssschun, quesssssssssssssssschun, quessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssschun... To anti-computer-virus software designers, how do you know how to kill those viruses when no one else does?
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Title: Whatever Doesn't Offend

I saw an article in the paper today showing how Boston Pizza, in order to stay in business while the Vancouver Canucks compete with the Boston Bruins for the Stanley Cup, have changed their name from Boston Pizza to Vancouver Pizza. It's a wimpy move, but an understandable one. Business often has no choice but to wimp out. Things like this come up and they have to 'adapt.' It's like they can't afford to have integrity - another beef I have with the money system. I'll tell you straight up now that I support the home town team in this competition. Everyone knows I've had a rough time out here, but it's not the town's fault. I'm not the greatest hockey fan in the world, but I still know the words to their song about 'root-toot-toot for the home team ... if they don't win it's a shame' - one of Stompin' Tom's finest compositions. And I agree with his lyrics one hundred percent. To the kid who said I should leave town if I don't like it, well, even if I wanted to, that costs money and, well, everyone knows what happened to all my money. Besides that, you little brat, I've been living here since long before you were born. I've said lots of nice things about Vancouver here. Just go back and take a look. I'd rather not repeat myself if I can avoid it.
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The Bill of Victory

Okay, Lord, I know you just want to remind me of those Stanley Cup resolutions I made before you let my team win. Did I not offer enough? Kids! Kids, get in here! Tell you what, if we win this hockey game, I'm paying for break dancing lessons for all four of you! Now, what else? I know! I'll finally pay back that student loan! Sorry, Lord. I forgot about that. And I'll volunteer in the old folks home for the next six months. Maybe they can use me to help out with the Bingo games... And- What's that? We won? Oh no!
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Holiday Spirits

Evil spirits. Can they be cast into the abyss? Only by the Lord. I can transfer them from one living thing to another, but, you know, I practice. I try to do it maybe two or three times a day. It's great fun at church and at family gatherings. And it makes that trip to the zoo all the more special. When casting evil spirits into plants, you should not stand too close to the target, or it will reach out with its vines and try to choke you. When using an animal host, pick a plant eater. I leave broken spirits alone. You're not supposed to move them.
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The Writer Did It

I'm enjoying a trip into the past with my Columbo: Season One DVD box set. 'I knew it was you ever since you asked me to make that phone call. And I know you did it for the money. So I just thought I'd stop by and mix myself a drink while I told you all this, and that you will not get away with it. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to the authorities and ... AH! ...' 'I should have known I couldn't get away with it with you around. Here. I've brought the blackmail money, and a couple bottles of wine for us to celebrate your cleverness! You know, as I drink this booze with you and see you growing more and more helpless in front of me, I'm starting to think that the whole reason I killed her was just to be able to pay you all this blackmail money and see the satisfaction it brings to your face ... THUMP! ...' 'Now look, I'm the only one who saw you get into that car with her, so you better treat me with respect. For starters, I think it's I who should be making the decisions around here and ... Umph! ...' To be fair, the first season was a little awkward. Quincy hadn't joined the team yet, so Columbo was on his own in the lab. I like Columbo because he is so damn smart, even though he doesn't dress smart and he doesn't talk smart and he smokes and drives an old beater, so that by the end of the show he has usually lost patience with everyone for not believing he is a police officer and starts roughing people up. And I like the way he toys with the killer as he builds up the evidence he needs to convict him or her. Peter Falk does a great job in this role. There was a character in Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment who reminds me of Columbo. Porfiry Petrovich (Порфирий Петрович) I wonder if they based Columbo on him.
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