Title: Whatever Doesn't Offend

I saw an article in the paper today showing how Boston Pizza, in order to stay in business while the Vancouver Canucks compete with the Boston Bruins for the Stanley Cup, have changed their name from Boston Pizza to Vancouver Pizza. It's a wimpy move, but an understandable one. Business often has no choice but to wimp out. Things like this come up and they have to 'adapt.' It's like they can't afford to have integrity - another beef I have with the money system. I'll tell you straight up now that I support the home town team in this competition. Everyone knows I've had a rough time out here, but it's not the town's fault. I'm not the greatest hockey fan in the world, but I still know the words to their song about 'root-toot-toot for the home team ... if they don't win it's a shame' - one of Stompin' Tom's finest compositions. And I agree with his lyrics one hundred percent. To the kid who said I should leave town if I don't like it, well, even if I wanted to, that costs money and, well, everyone knows what happened to all my money. Besides that, you little brat, I've been living here since long before you were born. I've said lots of nice things about Vancouver here. Just go back and take a look. I'd rather not repeat myself if I can avoid it.
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The Bill of Victory

Okay, Lord, I know you just want to remind me of those Stanley Cup resolutions I made before you let my team win. Did I not offer enough? Kids! Kids, get in here! Tell you what, if we win this hockey game, I'm paying for break dancing lessons for all four of you! Now, what else? I know! I'll finally pay back that student loan! Sorry, Lord. I forgot about that. And I'll volunteer in the old folks home for the next six months. Maybe they can use me to help out with the Bingo games... And- What's that? We won? Oh no!
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Holiday Spirits

Evil spirits. Can they be cast into the abyss? Only by the Lord. I can transfer them from one living thing to another, but, you know, I practice. I try to do it maybe two or three times a day. It's great fun at church and at family gatherings. And it makes that trip to the zoo all the more special. When casting evil spirits into plants, you should not stand too close to the target, or it will reach out with its vines and try to choke you. When using an animal host, pick a plant eater. I leave broken spirits alone. You're not supposed to move them.
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The Writer Did It

I'm enjoying a trip into the past with my Columbo: Season One DVD box set. 'I knew it was you ever since you asked me to make that phone call. And I know you did it for the money. So I just thought I'd stop by and mix myself a drink while I told you all this, and that you will not get away with it. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm going to the authorities and ... AH! ...' 'I should have known I couldn't get away with it with you around. Here. I've brought the blackmail money, and a couple bottles of wine for us to celebrate your cleverness! You know, as I drink this booze with you and see you growing more and more helpless in front of me, I'm starting to think that the whole reason I killed her was just to be able to pay you all this blackmail money and see the satisfaction it brings to your face ... THUMP! ...' 'Now look, I'm the only one who saw you get into that car with her, so you better treat me with respect. For starters, I think it's I who should be making the decisions around here and ... Umph! ...' To be fair, the first season was a little awkward. Quincy hadn't joined the team yet, so Columbo was on his own in the lab. I like Columbo because he is so damn smart, even though he doesn't dress smart and he doesn't talk smart and he smokes and drives an old beater, so that by the end of the show he has usually lost patience with everyone for not believing he is a police officer and starts roughing people up. And I like the way he toys with the killer as he builds up the evidence he needs to convict him or her. Peter Falk does a great job in this role. There was a character in Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment who reminds me of Columbo. Porfiry Petrovich (Порфирий Петрович) I wonder if they based Columbo on him.
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Sacred Kow

People mean well to offer me advice, so I appreciate it. Anyone critical of my bad habits, for instance, is just trying to help, and I wouldn't dream of telling them to take the log out of their eye before they notice the speck in their brother's eye. To the person who advised me to stay humble, thank you. You are so much wiser than I am. After all, being humble helped me so much in '08 and '09 - right through to about this time last year. When you're a humble artist, it's easier to handle getting the shit trampled out of you by performers who think more highly of themselves. But I will stay modest because that is how a person brought up in a large family with no room to recognize a genius among them - and his earning potential - is programmed from childhood. Did you know that Nostradamus prophesied my coming? I'm right in between Hitler and the next Antichrist, except I'm a Prochrist. I won't let it go to my head.
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A Talent for Your Thoughts

Don't you love stories that make you think? Some of those classic Star Trek episodes are good for that. I am again reminded of the one called Plato's Stepchildren, (terrible title) about the colony of psychokinetic Hellenists. Their mental powers were limited to individual use. As such, the one with the highest level of power could not be challenged by any joint effort from the others. I wonder if creative talent is like that. All the brainstorming in the world by roomfuls of bright people could not outmatch the singular effort of one person with superior talent. Probably not. Talent, as I see it, is a gift from God. Jesus may have had talents (not the ancient unit of currency) in mind when he shared his parable about the workers. Some of the workers only worked for two hours but received the same pay as the ones who worked eight hours. His disciples, hearing the parable, thought he had left out the ending. Jesus had to say, 'No, that is the ending. That's how the Father gives. His gifts are his to give as he pleases, and he is not bound by our limited concepts of justice.' Then Peter said, 'But Lord, isn't that kind of like socialism when everyone gets the same pay, regardless of effort?' And Jesus answered, 'I speak of inequality, not equality.' Then Bartholomew said, 'What is the moral of the story then? It pays more to have faith?' Christ, now frustrated, shouted in reply, 'No, the moral of the story is TOUGH SHIT!'
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Two Much

For those of you wondering about my under-eye circles, they are the result of a childhood injury. When I was a boy, before the advent of ergonomic design, I tripped in my living room and caught my right eye in the corner of the coffee table. A couple days later, I was about to fall and reached for a broom handle for support. My hands slipped and I was poked in the left eye. The next week, I was hanging up my coat when I fell forward, face first, into the coat hook, poking my right eye. I mixed myself a cup of Nestle Quik to help me feel better, but I left the spoon in and jabbed myself in the left eye as I brought the cup to my lips. The week after that, I had just finished putting the candles in my nephew's cake for his second birthday when I fell forward, face first, into the cake. Luckily the candles weren't lit. The following month I fell, face first, down the stairs. I hit the edge of the first step with my right eye, then I nailed my left eye on the next step, then... Why am I not blind? Because my eyes are tough. They may be unsightly, but they are fast healers.
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Armed to the Teeth

I am careful to inform myself before I form an opinion. My distrust of the unborn, for instance, came not just from seeing Rosemary's Baby, but from consulting a series of diagrams on fetal development. Hey, I know what I saw. And as silly as I might look, walking down the street with my coffee mug, I do so for very serious reasons. I do it to avoid styrofoam consumption. I used to think styrofoam was harmless until I had this job in a waste management facility. One day I noticed an ant dragging off a used styrofoam coffee cup. Sure, it had sugar in it, but that wasn't why. I followed the creature to its colony, where vast stockpiles of the substance lay everywhere. I got a bad feeling from those ants. Not only had the symmetry of their architecture improved drastically, but it appeared that they were constructing some sort of wonder weapon right under our noses. It dawned on me that, by careful and persistent chewing, ants might be able to convert styrofoam into something far stronger, like armour-flex(TM). Imagine hordes of ants sweeping through the cities of the world with their own safety footwear, their tiny little indestructible tanks causing noticeable erosion to our picnic tables and porches, as the children run helpless and scream even more than usual. Go ahead and use styrofoam if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.
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Circumcise Me

Circumcision is an ancient practice. It's easy enough to figure out why it is done. The Jews do it for hygiene. The Catholics do it for the pain. Today I thought I'd offer some help to religious dog lovers who would like to bring their pet with them into heaven. You don't need a veterinarian to circumcise your dog. All you need is some ether, a pair of pliers, and a good sharp cutting instrument.
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Cents and Respectability

(I am on a bilingual keyboard.) Just wondering about some of the weird stuff that has been happening to my computer, and about some of the coincidences around my new and here-to-for unshared songs. Are we sure that everyone is sorry about what happened with my music(question mark) Because if everyone is sorry, I should not have to worry about such a crime reoccurring. I do intend on sharing these new songs, and when I do, if there are any similarities between them and something else out there, given that I shun popular culture, I hope we can use the occasion to administer some severe justice. I have finally managed to resolve the issue of how to handle this problem in accordance with the Lord, after watching my Jesus video again last night. The answer came from seeing how Jesus handled the question about taxes. He said to render unto Caesar what is Caesar(apostrophe)s and render unto God what is God(apostrophe)s. Because my songs are to me a gift from God, by stealing them from me, the thief is essentially stealing from God. Anyways, I should get money.
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Majority Fools

So it's the day after a federal election and I'm going to be a conformist and write about the results. The Elks won. Now they have a majority. In Parliament, it's possible to rule without a majority of seats. It just takes a little co-operation from the opposition. That's the kind of government we've had here for the last four years or so. It's called a minority government. But I guess the voters out there were impressed enough with how the Elks have handled the economy. Our dollar is strong and taxes have improved. (I didn't vote, myself.) If the losing parties would like a little advice, they should try not holding back unpleasant facts about themselves from the public. That's only the kind of uptight behaviour we expect from the Elks, not from the Sasquatches or the Abominable Snowmen. Once you admit your flaws, you may be surprised to learn that the public believed far worse things about you all along. For instance, if you tell them you smoke tobacco, one of them might say, 'Oh, I thought you snorted crystal meth...'
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